Veronica Fil explores the ins and outs of keeping multiple lovers and tracking one couple’s journey as they experiment with poly life.
It was our second date, and as Tom knelt in close and told me he had something important to say, I thought we were about to kiss. Instead, he whispered, “Please don’t be angry, but I have a wife…and a baby. It’s OK though…We’re poly.”
Perhaps I should’ve walked away right then, but I didn’t. The idea was too intriguing, and I was desperate to know what this curious culture of “poly” (polyamory) entailed. So for the next few months, I followed Tom and his wife, Claire, as they began their life together as a non-monogamous couple — all from the safety of my computer screen.
Is “poly” another name for wife-swapping?
“Poly” can take many forms. According to Poly Vic, polyamory is “the practice of honest, open, ethical multiple relationships.” Call it what you like — agreed non-monogamy, open relationships or swinging — poly advocates believe that humans are capable of conducting more than one intimate/sexual relationship simultaneously, and often in the long-term.
It’s hard to measure the number of individuals involved in polyamorous relationships in Australia and worldwide — it’s not data that the government census typically collects. While many people may share similar values within their own private relationships, they may not identify as poly — which means that any formal attempt to quantify the cohort is likely to be inaccurate. But judging by the poly community’s global reach (a quick Google search will put you in touch with your local enthusiast group almost anywhere in the world), it’s probably more common than you think.
The haves and the havenots
Critics of poly argue that it’s unnatural, immoral, or just weird. Some believe that it’s an unstable environment to raise kids in, despite the fact that poly supporters take pride in being a “family-friendly” community. So to obtain a more thorough perspective, I went incognito and attended a local poly meet-up group I’d discovered online. It was here that I met Sacha — a petite, fiery-haired lesbian who, despite the extreme discomfort I expressed as she caressed my leg, was most obliging to answer my questions.
Sacha had been enjoying a polyamorous relationship for the past five years. “You know, it’s no more difficult than having a gay parent, a single parent. Poly’s not this sleazy, cult-like thing. It’s about forming caring relationships. If your kid grows up in that kind of household, how can it be a bad thing?”
It’s this kind of rationalisation that piqued my curiosity about relationship longevity within the poly community. I wondered whether the marriage failure rate would be higher or lower than that associated with monogamy. It’s not like traditional marriages last that long these days; in fact, poly advocates believe that they generally avoid problems associated with fidelity due to their emphasis on communication, trust and sustainable long term relationships. “It’s better than cheating, or having a broken marriage,” Sacha continues. “I probably wouldn’t be with my partner now if we’d stayed monogamous.”
One couple’s journey
Meanwhile, I was still receiving emails from Tom and his wife Claire, reporting on their poly progress and encouraging me to stop by for dinner and “some fun”.
“My wife’s still taking a while to be convinced…but she knows it’s better than me cheating,” Tom wrote during week one, referring to his reluctant but supportive spouse. He went on to describe their first, awkward threesome – clumsy, fumbling hands; confusion as to stick what in where, narrowly avoiding injury.
By week four, the recounts had become breathtakingly graphic – sex toys and costumes had become involved, role-playing scripts employed, and all night baby sitters hired.
Six weeks in and Claire seemed to have overcome any initial reluctance. “I was sceptical at first…It was very much about him [wanting something more], not about me. But he’s been so encouraging of me to explore myself with other women, even without him there,” Claire wrote to me. “After a while, it just felt natural,” she added.
After two months, Tom and Claire had found their groove…and a new family structure. “Claire is my ‘primary’ [the person with whom he shares the most established bond], but Anna is my ‘secondary’,” explained Tom, who had established a “triad” between his wife and new girlfriend. But doesn’t the secondary get the same benefits without the ties and responsibilities, I asked. Sounded like a sweet gig to me.
“Well, I guess you could look at it that way. But Anna is there for us to help with the baby, she’s there if one of us is sick…She’s not just some fuck-buddy,” Tom replied.
Many of my questions had been answered, but I was still perplexed by the sleeping arrangements.
“Anna stays over a couple of nights a week, so sometimes we’re all in the bed together, sometimes one of us is on the couch. Often that person is me — the girls want the bedroom to themselves!” Tom wrote. “We’ve always got room for more,” his email continued, “especially a gorgeous young lady like yourself.”
I didn’t respond to that part of the email.
It’s not for everyone
My online interactions with Tom and Claire showed me that personally, poly is not for me — I’m far too jealous and hesitate at the thought of sharing a meal, let alone a partner. The concept itself sounds great: you get the best of both worlds; the security of a long-term lover, the excitement that comes with variety. But practically speaking, I find having one partner time consuming enough — adding more to the mix sounds like an organisational and logistical nightmare.
I couldn’t help but feel put off by Tom, who — to his credit — never gave up his attempts to bed me and embrace me into his life, conveniently ignoring my active disinterest. But rather than a relationship, it felt like a religious conversion. This is only one example of poly life, and certainly not indicative of the experiences of the broader poly community — but for me, the whole situation felt unsexy.
I would have been entirely happy to have an affair with Tom. I just didn’t want to share.
We all have our own moral compass, I suppose.
