Anna Brennan looks at the pros and cons of being a porn star, with cues taken from Not Your Ordinary Housewife by Australian porn star Nikki Stern.
Like plastic surgery and switching teams, dabbling in porn is one of those things everyone has thought about at least once. Perhaps you were a few bob short on rent and saw an ad offering top dollars for nude modelling. Now I’m not saying you got halfway through dialling the number before you came to your senses, but maybe there was a fleeting, whimsical thought, along the lines of I bet it pays better than delivering pizzas.
Or maybe it had been a long time between tandem naked encounters, and your bank balance was dwindling and you thought, Hey, I wonder if I could kill two birds with one stone?
If you haven’t, I suspect you may be a profoundly straight-laced lad or lass who rides their push bike to work and polishes their shoes, and if this is the case, I would firstly like to say, well done you, and secondly, this article is probably not up your alley.
So this book got me thinking about what it would really be like to take my kit off and let boys stuff me like a Christmas turkey in front of a blinking camera for money. I imagine like any profession, after a while when you’ve seen and done it all, it would become fairly monotonous, and let’s face it, it’s been said before but I’ll say it again – they call it a blow JOB for a reason.
Pros of Being a Porn Star
You get paid for shagging – and sex is awesome.
You got to bone heaps of people without buying anyone drinks or pretending to be interested in mundane chitchat.
You get paid lots of money.
You feel super hot a lot of the time because of all the fancy lighting and sexy outfits and people jerking off over you.
If you distribute the porn yourself you can control the rights to the material and make even more money as well as burn any unflattering footage.
You get to be your own boss.
It’s good exercise.
You get to spend all day in bed.
You get to lie down on the job and eat out.
You get rude fan mail.
You’d learn lots of fancy bedroom tricks.
Lots of different roles, one day you might be a cop, the next you could be a nurse.
Bragging rights, especially if you’re a guy.
You’d be putting a smile on a lot of dials – I mean it’s practically a community service.
Cons of Being a Porn Star
You’d get really sore.
The whole feminism thing.
Your parents would probably be pretty pissed.
You’d probably feel exploited.
You may have to explain your job to elderly relatives.
You may be recognised in your work by elderly relatives.
You might get bored of sex if it feels like you’re bringing your work home with you.
You may have to bonk smelly, ugly, rude, sweaty, racist, sexist, gross, farty, obese, stupid, dirty people with stinky breath or awful facial hair and backne.
Erection maintenance may be problematic.
You’d have to learn to share your sex toys.
It would be hard to work out what to wear to job interviews.
Lots of body maintenance – hair management, tan lines and anal bleaching for a start.
You’d have to shower all the time to avoid Something About Mary hair, unless your scene took place in a shower, in which case you’d have water wastage guilt.
The dialogue is awful.
Corsets hurt.
Cum is super fattening.
Your flabby bits would be exposed for all to see.
The career choice may work against you if you ever decided to run for office.
You may have Occupational Health and Safety issues with bondage sessions if there is a fire drill.
Oh yeah, you might get a sexually transmitted infection, or preggas.
And lastly, the double entendres from your friends would be unbearable. You pretty much couldn’t be a porn star and own a cat.
